If you’re looking for one festival to hit up this summer, I’ve got the perfect place for you. Chicago’s hottest music fest is Lollapalooza. Tucked away in the cell phone service-less Grant Park, the festival is managed by Perry Farrell who ditched Jane for a new addiction. This fest has EVERYTHING:  

Twerkers, A lonely metalhead, compact hammocks, Honey Boo Boo, Girls who think they are Lana Del Rey, A Lana Del Rey who thinks she’s high, Frat boys who listen to Mumford & Sons and hug-it-out-bitch, Their bromandudes, Diplo in a hamster ball, People instagraming the concert but not actually watching the concert, Ellie Goulding on drums, Azealia Banks tweeting - just kidding, she canceled, One aging fan who still thinks The Postal Service is a delivery service, Waffle fries with bacon, Bacon sausage, Sausage on deep dish pizza, A guy in a leopard print Speedo, Girls wearing hula hoops as fashion accessories, Shaun White as a punk rocker, The wristband code - you know where you determine how much sex you have to offer the security guard based on the color of your access level, 20 people who are having the best night ever and A girl in a floral headband, high waisted cut-off shorts crying into her dead cell phone to her best friend about her boyfriend who just broke up with her over a Bud Light spillage incident. The special is the Cure-tini, which is a cocktail comprised of the makeup-filled sweat that’s dripping off Robert Smith’s face. But only have one, it’s toxic. 

So head over to the Windy City for three days of music and craziness. The password is: “Did you take a selfie at the Bean?"

Lollapalooza 2013 As Told By Stefon

Posted on 8/6/2013
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