The Different Types of Hangover

We take a look at the different ways one can experience the ultimate punishment.

J.P.
Posted on 5/2/2013

 

CAUSE: 4-6 pints / glasses of wine.
SYMPTOMS: mild nausea, mental and physical slowness.

This garden variety hangover is usually the result of a 'quick one after work' that went on a bit longer than you'd intended, without things actually getting 'silly'. Like the common cold, it's not dehabilitating but it does make performing the simplest of tasks around 30% more difficult and annoying.

 

CAUSE: spirits, particularly vodka.
SYMPTOMS: complete memory loss.

The great paradox of hangovers, a total blackout can be seen as a blessing or a curse. With zero recollection of your night, it could be that you've been spared the memory of lecturing a bouncer about feminism while throwing up in your own shoe. On the other hand it could be that you've spent a fortune having tons of fun and meaningful conversations with your friends that now might as well have never happened. And you'll never know which.

 

CAUSE: not enough sleep.
SYMPTOMS: excessive joy, followed by a terrible low.

Sometimes you wake up after a heavy session and feel wonderful… so wonderful you're knocking into things like a wind-up toy, chatting incessantly and laughing to yourself in the street. Don't be fooled. The buzz you feel is nothing more than still being drunk, and over the precipice of this false dawn awaits a hangover you're going to experience, consciously, from the exact moment it begins.

CAUSE: unknown.
SYMPTOMS: joy, peace, smugness.

The hangover equivalent of finding a twenty pound note on the floor, 'the pardon' comes along but once or twice a year - if you're lucky. Through a combination of chemical and psychological factors so intricate neither you nor a team of scientists could engineer it on purpose, you awake after a skinful and feel… fine. No headache, no anxiety, no problem. The only negative side affect of the pardon is that you feel an ingratiating need to boast about it to every person you meet for the rest of the day.

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