to the, volume 4

to the...

Emma'sThing
Posted on 8/29/2012

to the… volume 4

 

i know that these posts are not as well received as others. i’ve realized after 2+ years of word vomiting on my blog that usually my posts where i either a) pose a legitimate discussion about a legitimate topic or b) tell a super relatable story are the ones that people seem to dig the most and actually respond to. so, i’m sorry. i’m sorry that this is going to be one of my random thoughts of the day posts, but I’VE BEEN BUSY THIS WEEK AND THIS IS THE BEST I COULD DO, OKAY???

 

SCO! (that’s an abbrev for “let’s go”… fyi.)

 

to the…

people who STILL don’t understand the sickening attachment our generation has to our cell phones. GET OVER IT. look, the quicker you are to accept that it isn’t changing but really only getting worse, the happier you’ll be. i know it’s hard for you to understand since you used to only make calls from pay phones out in public and if someone just didn’t show up at the bar you had all planned on meeting up at that night, that was that. but TIMES, THEY ARE A-CHANGIN. we feel safe behind the walls of a text message and telling people about our days AS the day is happening through pictures and status updates is a way of life. LEAVE US ALONE ABOUT IT ALREADY. JESUS.

 

Cellphones

 

to the…

books on my bedside table that are still unread. sorry that falling asleep to seinfeld DVDs STILL hasn’t gotten old for me. one day, i will read you and you will put me to sleep. i promise.

 

to the…

guys who ever say anything along the lines of “if you want to!” NO. NO. we don’t want you to only want to do something with you if we want to. we want you to TELL us that’s what we’re doing. once the idea of “if you want” is put into our brains, we automatically assume you are indifferent to us. “well, he said i should come over if i want to.” what sounds better to you? “come over, if you want!” OR “come over.” one screams I’M INDIFFERENT TO MAKING OUT WITH YOU AND WOULDN’T CARE EITHER WAY and the other screams YOU’RE PRETTY. ME WANT YOU NOW. just… be bold, guys. be bold.

 

to the…

starbucks in our building. sorry i take your non-fat milk everyday and use it for my cereal, but i refuse to spend $1 or so on a baby carton of milk for my effing breakfast. you couldn’t find it within yourself to cut us a deal on your prices when you set up shop in our building, so i think me taking a little bit of milk every morning should be forgiven. DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, BARISTA. bitches gotta eat… fo free.

 

to the…

stairs. it wouldn’t even matter if i was a marathon runner and in the best shape of my entire life, you would STILL kick my ass every time. you win. you always do.

 

 

to the…

traditional underwire bra. I HATE YOU.

 

to the…

guys at the pool who actually come to the pool to layout. a part of me wants to applaud your confidence in wanting to get a tan and not being ashamed to show it, but the other part of me thinks you’re weird and maybe a bit too metro. and no, wearing a backwards hat doesn’t make the situation any manlier than it already isn’t.

 

to the…

notion of not being able to be totally platonic friends. i used to think it wasn’t possible because like… who WOULDN’T wanna make out with me? but then i realized, some guys really don’t want to and they just want to be my friend. so i let it happen. and i’m really glad i did, because having 1 or 2 completely platonic guy friends is an invaluable thing. if they’ll let you, you can completely get away with treating them just like any other girlfriend and dishing to them about everything and letting your “crazy” out with no shame. you can ugly cry, complain and be a massive, hormonal bitch around them and guess what? it doesn’t matter because YOU’RE NOT HAVING SEX WITH THEM!!! YAY!

 

to the…

turkey sandwich. i have grown such an intense hatred for you, it’s shocking. i’d rather eat a peanut butter sandwich everyday than have to endure the flavor you expel from your body. sure, you can use 3 different sauces to cover it up, but we all know what you REALLY are when stripped down. my days of purchasing you for lunch are OVER.

 

to the…

backup dancers for santigold, all of the fly girls from in living color and to beyonce herself: PICK ME!

 

Backup dancers

 

to the…

chipotle calorie calculator: i didn’t need to know any of that.

 

to the…

morning gym goers. is it just me or does anyone else find it hilarious that the employees at the gym have you seen at your very worst and very best? i feel like when i come in, i look like an ogre who was just woken up from a deep slumber. then, post-workout, i disappear behind the locker room walls and come out a changed woman. it’s like the gym employees get a free front row seat to “extreme makeover” day after day. it must be super entertaining for them. also, if one of them hits on you, you should probably just date them since they CLEARLY still like you at your ugliest/sweatiest.

 

to the…

texas summer heat. be easy on us, please. i know you’re laughing in my face right now, but i’m really asking.

 

to the…

people who say “i could make that.” THEN DO IT. oh wait, you’re never going to??? that’s what i thought. big talkers.

 

to the…

dance lovers: get down. now.

 

 

that’s all i got.

- emma

 

 


Emma is ridiculously outstanding and will be writing regularly for the site going forward. This post was originally featured on her amazing fantastic blog, Emma's Things, which you would be a crazy person not to check out and/or read in its entirety.

 

Emmas Things

^this. click to go to there

 

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